#like i can never tell if im improving
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Obligatory art summary post (even tho i am a writer primarily lmao)
#chat tell me this is pretty i spent like 40 minutes on it#graphic design is my passion~ /j#nine months of growth goes hard ngl#like i can never tell if im improving#but looking back at where i started it's like damnnnn#still have more room to grow/want to get better#BUT#it's a start :)#dca fandom#fnaf dca#fnaf sun#fnaf daycare attendant#dca fanart#just realized all i put on here was sun art LMAO
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Time and Time Again comes back tonight!
Thank you all for being so patient with me, I know it was a long hiatus.
My health was struggling, my arm was (is) hurting, and I decided it wasn't worth it. I'd rather be slow!
So thank you for giving me that grace, and I hope you'll be there with me for the rest of the series.
#like straight up. it's not worth it. idc how many people get mad at me#i would rather work fuckin. anything else than maintain this impossible schedule and keep hurting myself#if thats what it takes to do comics full time. then i can't do comics full time. simple as that!#i hope that for my next work i can have a healthier schedule and still make this work as my job#but if not. I'm never going back#i can't do it. 3 more years at this pace will take my ability to draw#anyways. its really good!!!#like genuinely i can feel a marked improvement in my skills#which is WILD!!! And I'm extremely happy about that!!!#just one more step into being better built to give people the quality stories they deserve.#ive not properly had the fire under my ass to finish stuff up but. its fine.#like i said? not worth it.#if i have to pause again then ill pause again. like i literally simply can not my body can't handle it#so. hopefully stuff goes smoothly but whatever happens will happen#whatever will be will be#i keep getting distracted lmfao#im excited about it coming back#and also. will. probably be distracting myself...#other creators dont read their comments. I'm like straight up not capable of that LMAOOO#i check for comments like all the time#love seeing em. love reading people's thoughts about my work#it makes me a better writer and keeps me connected to what matters most. which is my audience!#so i dont regret doing that but also. jts extremely distracting#i get straight up nothing done on big update days#cause im in the comments absolutely massive eyed refreshing.#this sounds obsessive. and it is. no jk#its just fun and keeps me in touch w peoples perception which helps me learn to write better#plus people are nice and ask me questions that i wanna answer#or if someone is being an ass. then i wanna tell them to leave (cause i cant block people) cause i consider it my responsibility#time and time again
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The notes are so funny bc here are the 'downsides of being an only child' that are literally not unique to being an only child and more of a parenting/situational thing really:
- "It's lonely!/Siblings are built-in friends!" One of my brothers played with me out of a sense of necessity because we were not allowed to be with other kids and he deeply resented me for that, which made for a bad relationship and me being extremely alone all the time anyway. I'd rather have skipped the hatred (on his part) and heart break (on mine) and gone directly to playing alone. I have literally never had an intimate conversation with any of my 3 brothers (except literally One time with one of them) but I've had countless of horrid fights (with me or witnessed). Hell is other people, etc.
- "All the attention is suffocating!" I was monitored 24/7 and pretty much never left alone, up to a point where my bathroom time was also monitored. My brother actively and voluntarily participated in the monitoring at some points.
- "You get unconditional support as an adult!" I've been in a lot of trouble since I was 17 and they've never helped, not materially or emotionally.
-"You have more people to build happy memories with!" My brother got married 3 days before I was back in the country (he set the date way after I had bought my plane tickets and also he actively chose to hide it from me) and still blames me for being upset because "it was a ceremony for closed loved ones only anyway" (I guess I wasn't counted!). That's just the most egregious examples in a long, long list.
I get grass is greener ect but what bothers me is that it reinforces the idea that sibling relationships are *always* a net positive, in a very "nuclear family is sacred" way
Like I'm not venting for the sake of it, I've been no contact for 4 years and it's great, I'm just frustrated that it's so goddamn hard to get people to acknowledge sibling abuse, or even get them to *not* perform shocked incredulity at the idea. Especially on tumblr, THE website where people talk about parental abuse all the time and understand that sometimes you really cannot salvage the relationship and it truly is detrimental
All I'm saying is stop assuming that things would be better with a sibling around. You don't know that! Believe me, things could be so much worse with a sibling around.
The good news is you get to choose your friends and siblings as an adult! :) Life can be sweet not matter who your nuclear family is! You're not a failure for not experiencing the hegemonic ideal of siblinghood! It's okay!
#sibling abuse#this is wild to me#and concerning bc again its this mentality that prevented me from cutting contact earlier#which would have greatly improved my early twenties#this is not me saying that cutting family off is the only option yada yada i hate this disclaimer#sometimes when you are lucky enough that you're not financially dependent on them it is the best option though#also i hate the sentiment that its the parents who have failed if siblings dont get along#in some ways yes but sometimes the circumstances are so out of the parents control and this is a very punitive framework#the main reason why my mother cant accept my decision is because she had deeply internalized that she has failed her entire life#because i cut bridges#which is horrifying! Ive told her many times that im beyond assigning blame and i dont think its a personal failing of hers#but the societal expectation is so deeply ingrained#truly at this point theres nothing she can do and ive told her explicitly that i want her to be happy and let it go#like its so crazy i dont tell people irl that im no contact with my brothers because the judgment is so pervasive#literally theyre doing well im doing well (minus the illness lol) who cares!#god the notes are worse than i thought... so much suspicion at people who have siblings and say they would rather not#someone literally its 'evil'#we're never making it out of the nuclear family mentality
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it
#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something#but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller#which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this#and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely#oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart#so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar#i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to#because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of#its probably the resilience though#im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically#this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it#just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear#it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts#this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement#what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again#if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa
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not to be dramatic but its kinda funny looking back at old art and like. I remember trying to draw a character a certain way but wow I really did not hit the mark LMAO
like micah? since like day fuckin one (of his redesign) he's been fat in my mind. But I just. Im sorry younger me but none of these drawings look like a fat guy
#ofc im still improving#but fuck me is it so much better now. >.>#mildly related but micah being one of my oldest OCs u can tell when I was like 16 and going through a major depressive episode i think#imo at least#kinda funny#oh also i know some mutuals drew him forever ago dw if u didnt pick-up on the fact he was fat cause I never fucking said it out loud
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everyone jumping to team kamala we will never experience true freedom in this country
#the democrats would vote for fucking hitler if he was a nice guy im convinced#allow me to break down this silly little “you can't focus on morals people's lives are at risk we have to vote blue to stop trump!!!” thing#first of all people's livelihoods are still at risk even when there is a democrat as president#did you forget about the immigration bill biden and harris signed? or you know a fucking genocide#and if people's livelihoods are at risk then shouldnt we vote with out morals? and you know not for the dems who are famously pro genocide#what is the point of voting if you can't vote for who you actually believe in?#and besides this what in this country was actually accomplished through voting? 99% of the progress made was done through violent resistanc#the only reason shit even made the ballot was because people showed they wouldn't accept things the way they are#which is exactly what you are doing if you vote for kamala harris AKA BIDEN'S FUCKING RIGHT HAND MAN#and you just sound like an extremely selfish person if genocide is not your red line#it just sounds like youre saying “yes they murdered palestinians in gaza :( BUT WHAT ABOUT US AMERICANS!!!!”#as if the democratic party has done anything to protect americans anyways. like my job as a voter is not to get the democrats elected#to mitigate damage caused by republicans. that is the fucking democrats job. it is their job to make me want to vote for them#and until they stop massacring men women and children in gaza they will never get my vote#the democrats could openly announce themselves as extreme bigots towards anyone that isn't a cishet rich white man (which they have before)#and you stupid asses will still tell us to vote for them. how evil do they have to be for you to finally consider another option?#and everyone else in the world gets to have other options but america noooo in america we can only have two parties or else you die#and when a democrat is elected and they send another 1 billion to israel i hope youre prepared to live with the blood on your hands#YOU WANTED THIS YOU ENABLED THIS YOU VOTED FOR THIS#the reality you won't face is that there are more options and you could vote for them but none of you are willing to take that risk#yet youre willing to risk the lives of palestinians the lives of transwoman the lives of every person that bitch threw into prison#you people are so hooked on stopping trump (the democrats meaner twin) youre willing to sacrifice everything you stand for#to elect someone who is just as bad as him but is “polite” while they do it. the democrats will never feel pressure to shift to the left#as long as you idiots continue to accept their move to the right. why should they stop the genocide in palestine when youve proven#you'd vote for them no matter what?#no one’s life improved from trump to biden and the same will be true for kamala but you can keep telling yourself they aren’t the same#i’ll be voting green bc that is what i believe in inshallah you grow a spine and do the same until we’re free from these two satanic partie#and dont tell us youll protest after she's elected what would the point be???#youve shown you'd put her in power no matter why should she respond to the pressure?
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so like sometimes it's only been a couple hours after you've eaten and you're wondering if you're wondering if you're hungry - but maybe you're just, like, hungry in your head, right? Not actually hungry? So you don't need to eat because that would be overeating, like at a buffet where you stop eating when your stomach feels like it's going to burst? wrong your stomach has an early warning system
no yeah fast forward to two hours later when you're kinda lowkey starving and you go, oh. huh. bodies don't lie.
listen to your organs y'all 😅
#also i think it's cool that sometimes when you're hungry or half-hungry you can kinda wade in the fog of it and find out what you're craving#like oh im really craving....rice#just rice#so I go#oh!! carbs!! you're low on energy and probably really tired and stressed atm!! here you go body!! have some good fast-energy glucose!!#and other times you just really want something cold and crunchy and kinda sweet and sharp and tasty and I go#you haven't been having your fruits son go pack an apple and some celery and some peanut butter with those nice fats to help with digestion#I have such a weird relationship with food and eating lol#we are Improving#listen to your body!! It's telling you what it needs! It's never overeating if you're giving your body what it Actually wants and needs#I wanted smth crunchy and salty did I want chips or grilled chicken#and yes 'junk' foods are useful too. I just have to remember to consider when it's an indulgence craving necessity or a crutch#I'm not a dietician but it still holds that no foods are bad!! just work with your body#it's hard sometimes but it's always there for you and getting you through the day so you gotta be there for it too!#take care of those daily functions!!#message to everyone and more to myself lol#food#eating#eating habits#self care#healthy eating
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i've tried everything, different ways, different times, different places. i just can't seem to find my passion for writing back.
#writers block my ass this shit has been going on for years#you love going around telling people that you write when in truth you haven't written anything in ages#i don't even consider myself a writer anymore because it feels wrong to call it that#everything i put out is influenced by something. ifeel like i can never truly be original#a few shitty pieces i wrote at the peak of a fixation don't really count because i've abandoned them too#yes i've written them but im so afraid to associate them with my name#how does one hate what they create so much#yet still want to create#when will it be satisfying?#when will i be like yeah. i like this. i made this. this is mine.#i dont think the problem is language either like sure it can be improved but i can't even write in my own language?#i used to love writing in turkish and peopel would praise me for my stories but looking back at it even that wasn't original#it was never mine#it was always about something that affected me#this is sad its just sad.#writing
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i try to watch anime casually and my brain is like bestie do you want to see how quickly i can pinpoint this one’s primary narrative flaw
#i am So Annoying#this is the only way my brain knows how to have fun#to be clear i do this with most kind of content i consume#but anime is really fun because it’s so tropey#and so many fall into tropes and fail to address simple elements that would improve overall narrative structure and balance#which doesn’t make it BAD or anything but it DOES make it fun to analyze#and it’s like my fav thing to do#and also the one thing i really try to never post about lol#was rewatching a fav from back in the day recently#from before i was annoying#and my brain just went oh?👀#animes: happily existing#me: show me your fatal flaw rn👁️👄👁️#can you tell people always used to tell me im suited to editorial work🙃#the only way i know how to like things is by lovingly tearing them to shreds via my critique
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Worst fucking thing ever when you consume new media is when the vibes are PERFECT like designs, music, basically every visual element aligns perfectly with your taste and tickles your brain but then the writing is utter SHIT so it’s just style with no substance despite the POTENTIAL being there. Cause even if you do end up finding something similar or already did and go just go back to that it just sucks when it’s like “damn this one thing that looks cool isn’t that good” since your just left with a bitter after taste especially when your gonna go through with finishing it anyways because it’s either so short that it wouldn’t hurt even if you know nothing gonna change about it that it probably won’t have the turn around you hope for or your just so bored and have nothing else to consume.
And I don’t know how people consume trash for FUN because when it’s like THIS when you can tell there was EFFORT but not in the part that truly matters it fucking stings more.
#meg text#im not gonna elaborate what I’m vaguing because I’d get killed for it#but I can say I expected it so I’m less mad compared to my last big disappointment which even then I mellowed out on#and before anyone tells me some content can be mindlessly enjoyed I’d say fuck you to that lmao#it’s fine if your not analytical on everything and prefer watching stuff as a way to unwind but half of my fun is analyzing#writing is in EVERYTHING no matter how small it is#bad writing is allowed to be called out even when the media in question isn’t trying to be super deep#if the humor isn’t legitimately funny or if the plot that doesn’t exist isn’t strung together well your allowed to criticize it#never shield anything from criticism because yes even if people are too negative media SHOULD be approached this way#my media view has been improved on with taking classes but also just writing in general even if it’s been fics#just don’t be a “urm achtually” person lmao some things you gotta accept people like even if it confuses you#but you are entitled to hate something and don’t let people change that even if just don’t be too much of a dick
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think im back in my Everyone is stupid era bcuz im mad at people for literally no reason
#rolls eyes#by people i mean like maybe. 3 . and i barely talk to them . Well lately#iunno something about the way . they all act the same but they would never admit it . and theyre the type of people to complain without#trying to fix the problem#i dont know . theyre always like#i dont know what to do ! im so miserable ! why isnt everyone doing exactly what i want them to ! pay attention to me !#i cant possibly be the problem here !#and nobody ever tells them otherwise because its mean🥺 itll hurt their feelings ... what if they do something bad...!#in which case 1 i dont care and 2 they shouldnt be interacting with other people if theyd do that#it pisses me off because they always think theyre some helpless animal that cant fend for itself#but they also think they can do no wrong and if for a moment they DO think they did something wrong#the thought isnt even explored because either 1 they got coddled or 2 the victim complex kicks in#everything bad happens to me ! why does nothing good ever happen to me ! how come every relationship i have fails !#well the obvious answer is you are the constant in this experiment . if you remain unchanging but the factors around you change each time .#You are the cause .#and i dont get the fear around being wrong or fucking up like that . who gives a shit . if you put in the effort youre a good person .#it doesnt matter who or what youre doing it for . if youre trying to improve yourself you are not a bad person at your core .#you say all that though and all they say is I am trying !!! i just dont know where to start...!!! and theyve been trying for years#like bud clearly something isnt working#i dont know . maybe this is me viewing life as an experiment but Really if you analyze this shit closely you can find an easy answer#ok rant over !
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.,.
#my body is so frustrating to me#because it doesnt work#but it works just well enough that from the outside it looks like it does#like i am so dizzy all the time and my joints (especially in my legs) can hurt so bad but if i try to tell my mom she just like.#rolls her eyes and tells me its my fault since i dont exercise enough#I CANNOT EXERCISE LADY#if i move a lot i get super dizzy and feel like im gonna pass out! just walking to work makes me disoriented for the whole day#even though i get super lightheaded constantly ive never passed out. and so people think im fucking faking it when im not!#i am in pain all the time and i am so fucking sick of being dismissed#i know i could be doing more to improve my health. but i know so many kids my age who have a pretty similar diet and lack of exercise#and i dont think this is normal!! feelingn like im gonna faint after a 15 minute walk isnt good!!!#i hate being fucking ignored jesus fucking christ#sorry#vent#atlas screams into the abyss
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"this situation is really going to be make or break for me" says person who is unable to create conflict, ever
#im not even a pushover but i know im Never going to be one of those ppl who tell you shit to your face..#elder sister incurable disease im mediating every conflict even between myself and ppl i dont like#im not even one of those truly chill ppl who are like nothing can ruin my vibe bc i truly dont care. im just there seething#its so funny like in a way. i Did improve. but in a way i also just internalized my anger problems like i keep it all here and then one day#i'll die#a#sorry idk why i always get self introspective when i make normal posts but also its very interesting how the 2 types of ppl i described are#the ones im more attracted to. like women who are almost rude but can afford it in virtue of being secure and competent..........hi
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i cannot decide if im gonna like being in a communications class again or not. theyre usually pretty easy and thus incredibly boring, but itll be in person this time so who knows
#my family kept telling me i was charismatic as a teenager and now i wonder if they were on to something#am i just cursed to find public speaking stupid easy and never want to do it#agh and improv is gonna be like serving all over again#customer service is just an improv performance im probably gonna hate that class too#half of my hatred for classes like these is watching other students fumble so disasterously i want to slither out of my skin#i understand everyone has different skills but in the moment it can be so painful to watch#im sure people feel the same way watching me do things like math or riddles#agh. i hate school#i love school but i hate the way it works right now
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